back but scared.

well, it's been a looooooong time since i've written and i don't know why. lots of stuff has happened. some of it is super great and some of it is really hard and i think it's time to write again. the main thing i'm spending time thinking about is really hard and it's about my aunt. she is going to have surgery today and it's really pretty scary. what scares me worse is that she is real mad about it...especially because she was sick before and had to have surgery. i would probably be real mad too if i went through all of that and had to do it again. i wish i could help her feel better. i wish she could feel better about herself and her life and maybe she wouldn't be so mad and maybe she would get better. it's hard when you don't know what to do to help someone but you care alot and wanna help them. since i can't really be with her cause we live far away and she is kinda just mad right now, i've been praying a lot for her. i've been asking G-d to help her to be strong and to help her family to be strong and keep remembering all the good things that G-d gives us. i also asked some of my friends who know her to pray for her and her family as well. i don't think my aunt wants anyone to know, but it's important for alot of people to be paying attention to prayers for her. it's the only way i really know how to help so that's what i'm doing.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!

it's a super special day for me because it's my birthday!! it's only 10:30 and already i've heard from a bunch of people wishing me a happy birthday...isn't that cool? today i'm going to go with my boyfriend to a fun restaurant and meet a bunch of my friends there. i'm trying to decided what to wear so i feel pretty and special for my big day. i always get a lil nervous on my birthday because i'm not sure i "deserve" so much attention (even though it feels real good). i feel like i wanna give back as much as i get from my friends and that's hard sometimes.

this is an extra good birthday this year because i've learned how to be real happy with my life. last year, on my birthday was the total opposite. i was so sad and i had no one really to share my day with and that made me sadder. i learned this year that maybe i made things that way by not paying attention and being grateful for how much i do have. now that it's a habit for me to think about and be thankful for so much, i know that all of those things keep coming! i make sure to think about all of my friends and how they give me lots of support, my family and how much love they show me and even the little things like being comfortable in my house and cuddling up with my puppy. i think that is why this birthday is extra special because i learned how to make me happy....and since i have so much in my life, it ended up being an easy lesson once i really understood it.

now i'm learning patience. not everyone knows the lesson i know and not everyone is ready to have the thanks right now that i do. when it comes to the people i love, i want them to be as happy as i am so i sometimes get impatient when they aren't. all kinds of things in life are hard and different things are hard for different people and i want to be able to understand that for those that i love. that's what's important for me to work on right now. i keep reminding myself everyday: be patient. be patient. be patient...

we all want others to be patient with us. and i know how much people are with me and so i'm working on being able to do that for others. lessons are never over, are they?

lazzzzzzzzzzzzy.

I don't know why i feel so lazy, but i do. i don't wanna do anything. i don't wanna study, or run or even go to school. maybe it's the weather. there's a lot of clouds in the sky today and yesterday. no sun smiling at me. this lazy feeling has been happening for a couple of days and i wish it would go away. when i don't do stuff i start feeling real bad about myself.

my boyfriend did some real nice stuff for me. he wanted to have my birthday nite a little early so he made me dinner and gave me some really special stuff. wanna know what? i'll give you a hint: okay, it was a big hint, but i wanted grover to have a picture up. i got a new huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge grover!! he's huge! he hid him under a blanket and i got scared that someone was under there...that's how big he is! i also got a tshirt w/supergrover on it. i'm real lucky to have a boyfriend who is so thoughtful. now i just have to figure out where he is gonna go in my room! if i wasn't so lazy right now, i could probably do that, but i really just want to get into bed w/my puppy right now and not think about anything. how can i do it w/o feeling bad about me?

i can't even believe it.

i have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend who likes me a real lot and tells me so. and even when he doesn't tell me so, i know because of how he treats me and talks to me. i need a whole lot of attention and it seems like it's easy for him to do that and i need to be able to tell someone lots of things and it seems easy for him to hear them. you know what he said to me? he said: "i like little steph. she's impatient and wants everything right now and i like her." my heart almost exploded when he said this because i know he really sees a lot of things about me that other boys don't and he likes it. i think right now we are a perfect match and he's just what i asked G-d for. i asked for someone i can trust, laugh with, feel like myself, have things in common with, like to do stuff with and wants to be loved.
G-d is so generous when you can tell him exactly what you need to be happy...and also when you start to figure out how generous he is everyday. i've been thinking about that stuff a lot. the more i thank G-d for my genuine friends and my family that loves me the more it happens. i guess i'm just real thankful and it feels good to think about it all the time.

i'm very excited for a special nite tonite. my friend has a new store that is opening and it's a big celebration! my boyfriend is coming to the celebration and he and my friend get to meet which is super important to me. also, my friend took lots of pictures of me in the beautiful clothes she makes and put them all over the store! can you believe that? i kinda feel like a star or something...but i didn't even try to do this. it just happened. i feel super special about it and can't wait to go to the celebration tonite! yipeeeeee!

not liking me.

i get so aggrivated sometimes. sometimes i want everything to go my way and it makes me mad when i can't have it that way. i'm mad i didn't go to my dance class for two days and it's mostly cuz i'm mad at me. i also get scared that something bad will happen if i stop wanting to go. i know my brain feels better after i'm there, so what will happen to my brain if i'm not there? i hate it when i'm lazy and it feels lazy when i don't do something i say i will do. i have to go. i have so many things more to do and if i don't do them i will be even more mad at me. good bye.

LOTS OF BAD BAD WORDS!!!!

I AM SO ANGRY I WANT TO SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAM! I HATE THAT ONE TEACHER FROM MY ONE CLASS THAT HAS BEEN MEAN TO ME THIS SEMESTER! I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DECIDED SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME, BUT FIRST SHE GAVE ME A BAD GRADE ON MY PAPER AND THEN I WORKED SO HARD FOR MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT FOR HER WHICH WAS A PRESENTATION IN CLASS. SHE WOULDN'T TELL ME WHAT SHE THOUGHT OF IT AND THEN SHE GAVE ME ANOTHER BAD GRADE! I ASKED HER IN A LETTER WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY WORK AND SHE GAVE ME ALL SORTS OF REASONS THAT SOUND REALLY STUPID TO ME. I THINK SHE IS VERY UNFAIR TO GRADE ME SO HARD AND EXPECT SO MUCH FROM ME WHEN IT'S ONLY MY FIRST YEAR DOING THIS. SHE KNOWS I WORKED REAL HARD FOR HER CLASS AND SHE WANTED TO HURT MY FEELINGS, I JUST KNOW IT. I AM SO ANGRY AND HURT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHE RUINED MY REPORT CARD! SHE RUINED IT!!! SOMETHING I WORKED SO HARD FOR AND MATTERS SO MUCH TO ME AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN CARE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. SHE IS STUPID AND MEAN AND UNFAIR. I WANT TO GO TO HER OFFICE AND SCREAM IN HER FACE AND TELL HER SHE IS MEAN AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. I WANT TO TELL HER THAT I KNOW SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE MEAN TO ME AND NOT TRYING TO REALLY TEACH ME ANYTHING AT ALL. HER CLASS WAS STUPID AND BORING AND I HATE HER!
I'M SO MAD AND FRUSTRATED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EVEN DO.

happy

i'm smiling a lot these days. i guess i have a lot to be happy about. i'm lucky because things are going really great in my life right now. i've been making time for some important stuff. i haven't been in school this week so i get to have time for seeing friends, reading stuff that makes me happy and playing with my dog. i've been running and talking on the phone a lot to my friends that are far away and i still need so much. what's even better? the sun came out to play too this week! springtime in ny is sort of like a dream. the sky is the bluest blue, the cherry blossoms are so pink and there are tulips popping up everywhere!!!! i get so happy putting on skirts and tank tops and sandals and walking around from place to place in this city that i love. i get so happy also because i realize more everyday how lucky i am. my friends are so great. i've been thinking so much about it lately and the more i think about it, the more great things happen. i know it all has to do w/that secret i learned and that makes me happy too.

oh, one more thing that has me smiling a lot. i'm still playing with that boy...even more now! i can tell he really likes me and i know i really like him! he is super sweet and he's real honest and tries real hard at the stuff that isn't easy. just like i always try to do and it makes me feel good to meet someone new that can be scared of new stuff but try it out anyways. he makes me smile for a lot of reasons and i think that just might keep happening for longer than it usually happens for me. just a feeling...

thanks!

i have a lot of thanks today. i got phone calls from lots of people i don't talk to very often and that makes me feel so good. i love knowing when my friends and family are thinking of me so much that they actually wanna talk to me too. it's hard, y'no? lots of people are super busy. i know because i have been sooooo super busy. but it made my heart feel really full when i got so many calls. i have a lot of thanks because i have a break from school and i learned so much this year. i have a lot of thanks also because so many people encouraged me and made me feel special while i've been working real hard at something that matters to me a real lot. i have a lot of thanks that even though things got so hard in the past month or so, i always, always had someone to lean on. i don't know where i'd be without all the love i get in this world. i just hope i put it out there just as much as i get it. that's what i'm really trying to do to show my thanks.

dreamy...

that boy that i've been hanging out with is almost like a dream! he says really nice things and makes me laugh a real lot. y'no what else he said? he told me he has a crush on me! can you imagine a boy that is cute, nice, smart and funny likes likes me??! we have a lot of things about us that's different, but in a real good way. we have a lot of things about us that's the same like important stuff. i like the way he talks to me about lots of different things. it makes me interested all the time to get to know even more. i was telling nai all kinds of stuff about him and y'no what she said? she said he's just like her! and the more i think about, the more that seems like the truth. that makes me feel really good and more secure. nai is my bestest friend for a real long time and she has been there for me through eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything! if i could find a boy that is as caring and loving and playful as she is, i would for sure be the luckiest girl in the world. then i would really be in a dream!

lucky me!

so, in all of my nervousness i couldn't get my brain together to study which made things even worse. i got scared because everything was getting bigger and bigger in my head and my heart was beating so fast! i had lots of books in front of me, but i couldn't read any of them and i was really close to thinking i might explode! i talked to barb for a little and she was really busy. the nervousness didn't go away an it started to scare me a lot. i called nai and told her what was going on and she worked really hard to help me. she told me stories that made me very happy and then she made me do silly stuff to make my mind think of better things. we talked for a little while and she was reminding me about all sorts of good things about me and gave me some ideas for my studies. it made me feel so good that she did all of that for me.

after that another good friend called and was offering to help me too. how many people in the world have such great friends?? i felt really warm and loved inside and also safer.

you know what happened after that? i started thinking really clear again and my school stuff wasn't so hard. it all started making sense again and then i started liking reading it again. how lucky am i? waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay super duper lucky. that's for sure.

help me find the bright side.

i'm getting real tired of how nervous i feel all the time. i can't really figure out what's going on with me, but i don't feel real good. i know i'm upset because my friend doesn't really talk to me very much anymore now that she has a boyfriend. it makes me feel really sad and lonely because we used to spend a lot of time together and talk all the time. now i feel like i'm not really important. i guess it bothers me double duty because she was just having a lot of problems and i was a really good friend for her. it was some real bad stuff and i did a lot to help her and her family. it was a bad time for everyone, but we got through it. the thing is, now that it's over, it's like i don't matter anymore and that makes my feelings hurt. i also start thinking i did something wrong or maybe i'm annoying to be around because it seems like this happens a lot to me and my friends. it's like i can only be close to someone for a short period of time and then they go away. why do ya think that happens? it makes me wanna yell and scream at someone, but i don't think that would help. it also doesn't help to be sad about it, but i do that part.
sorry i have a lot of bad blogs. i guess i've been having a lot of bad feelings lately. i hope my friends don't get tired of it and stop reading...

i think i get an F in playtime.

the good news is, i got to play with that new boy again. we had a real good time again. the bad news is, now i feel like i'm going crazy with so much worry. i want to just be regular and smile when i think about what fun we had last nite. BUT i feel the opposite of regular...i want to scream because i feel so crazy with all of the old thoughts that want to come into my head and i keep fighting them out. my body felt weird all day today and i couldn't sleep so good because of all of the things going around and around in my mind. the worries are: what if he doesn't want to see me again? what if i said something wrong? what if he doesn't really like me? what if i annoyed him last nite? what if i never get to see him again and have to tell my friends that another boy didn't like me? how come i don't feel good about myself and know that i was just being me so it all doesn't really matter?

it just feels really bad when i think about these things, but they won't go away! the worst part is i have so much schoolwork to do and my brain is all filled up with these other things that i don't even want in there!

i'm feeling unsafe in my own brain...like i need other people to do my thinking for me because i don't know the right things to think right now. then i get mad because i want to do these things for myself and just be normal for once. i'm also mad because this is what i've asked G-d for, a chance with a boy. now that i am having some kind of chance i'm ruining it with all of my crazy thinking. i guess if he didn't seem so wonderfully sweet and smart and funny already none of this would matter. i guess it's scary to really be liking someone. it's like my heart is in a container and i wanna open that container so bad, but only when it's just the right time. i need to feel really super duper safe to open that container and i'm not safe right now at all...i'm out here all by myself and scared. if i know i'm real smart, why am i being super UNsmart about all of this? this is way harder than anything in school or dance class or anything i've ever done.

here we go again...

sometimes i get so lonely because everyone else has someone else in their life except me. i wanna be someone's #1, but i feel like no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't happen. i guess someone who has been alone so long should be used to it by now, but i'm not. it's so important to me to be around other people and i have a lot of people, but not really anyone's #1 and i get my feelings hurt because of that. so that's how i feel right now, hurt. i wish i knew another way to expalin it because i feel all alone in being alone. and i know i talk about it way too much so i don't know what to do w/the bad feelings anymore. i guess i'm pretty tired of trying to figure this stuff out all the time.

all tied up.

see that picture? that's exactly what my belly feels like and what it's been feeling like for many days. did i swallow a rope? that would be weird if i did, but i can't figure out another reason that there's a big knot in my tummy. i keep trying different things like my exercises, and talking to my friends, having a lot of concentrating in school and listening to songs i like. what's weird is that one of my favorite things hasn't been very good lately, and that's food. it's like there's no space for food because the knot is taking up all the room. i know i feel worried about school because i wanna do real good. i'm also worried because maybe this new boy doesn't really like me. i haven't talked to him in many days and i'm going back to thinking bad things again. i'm trying real hard not to and to just remember if he doesn't like me it's okay. but i get upset when i don't even get a chance to know someone new and then POOF they disappear. i also really miss my good friend who is better, but still maybe not all the way and i get scared. my other really good friend has some bad things happening in her life, and my bestest friend and i still haven't talked for a month!! i'll keep my fingers crossed that these things get better fast.

feeling blue.

i have lots of work to do and can't do it for some reason. it's mostly work for my school and usually i like doing that stuff, but lately i don't want to. i feel a little sad this weekend and i don't really know why. if i could turn into a color it would be blue and that would show people how i am feeling. the weather is still cold and windy out, so i don't want to go out and play. school stuff isn't very interesting lately and i don't want to do that either. i just know that the end of school is very close and if i don't do my work i will be really sorry. i really want to keep my good grades and there's one stupid teacher who has made me feel sort of bad about some work that i did. i know i shouldn't let one teacher make me feel bad, but it made me real surprised that she didn't like my work. i have to do more work for her and what if she doesn't like that either? so while i'm feeling yucky i'm just trying to think about all the stuff that makes me happy like isaac and roxy and my super good friends and my family who loves me a lot and that i'm lucky. i keep thinking real hard about how lucky i am and i keep thanking G-d for so much good around me.

it really happened!

i went out to play with a new boy today and everything went real good! i'm so excited and happy all of my insides are jumping around!! we ate dinner but i hardly remember it because of how much talking we were doing. and not just the silly kind of talking, the real important stuff too. it was so easy and i didn't feel like i had to try real hard or anything which is the part i hate most about being around an new boy. he said a lot of things that made me feel real good and i hope he knew that i liked him too. we talked about playing again together soon! i can't wait! wanna know my favorite things about him so far? okay, i'll tell you:

1) he's funny

2) he notices good things about me

3) he likes to talk about a lot of things

4) he's super smart but not all braggy about it

5) he is very cute

this all meant a lot to me today. it means that all the believing and trusting that i have been doing is working.

ps: i'm also very happy today because my good friend is feeling better. when i talk to her it makes my insides all bright like sunshine. :)

sad

i'm very sad today. my really close friend is real sick and had to go to the hospital. i got scared that maybe she shouldn't go to the hospital because she really didn't want to. her doctor said she should, so we did. now she has to stay overnight in a strange place until she gets better. then what's even worse, is i had to tell her mommy about it. her mommy lives far away and now has to get on a plane to come here to see her. it made her mommy very scared to hear that she was so sick she needed to be in the hospital. it's hard for her to understand what it's like to be so confused in your brain that someone else has to take care of you. i guess it's hard for a lot of people to understand it. i know my friend is gonna be okay. i know the doctors are smart and will take real good care of her, but my friend doesn't really understand that yet...because of the confused brain stuff. when her brain is regular, she is so much my friend that understands every little thing about me and we have so much fun together. she is smart and funny and kind and beautiful inside and out. i miss her a lot right now. i guess it's her regular brain that i miss.

people keep telling me that i'm a good friend and i did a good job. i guess i don't care about people telling me that because it feels like nothing. i did what what the normal thing for me...helping. i guess that makes me a good friend. somehow, it doesn't matter. all that matters is that she feels safe and that her brain gets better. i mean, i'm sad for my friend and for her mommy, but i guess i'm actually pretty sad for me. it's hard to be that way, especially when i am around her because i just wanna be strong for her. it's all very hard and i'm tired.

how could they?!

i'm super mad at myspace because they kicked me off! after all the work i did, they didn't even warn me. it's not fair!!! they didn't have to go and throw out all of my hard work like that, i wasn't doing anything bad, gosh! now i'm in a new place and i hope my friends will still read and tell me what they think. my friends are so super important to me and it means a lot that they tell me honest feelings about my honest feelings.

anyway, i'm trying to get some stuff done today, but it's real hard. i hate cleaning my room. i start doing other stuff real easily like writing my thoughts or playing with roxy. it's been happening waaaaaay too much lately and i get real mad at myself when i don't do important stuff. here's the stuff i have to do:
1) clean my desk
2) put away my clothes
3) clean the bathroom
4) stuff on the computer for school
5) take out the recycling
6) study!
here's the stuff i want to do:
1) play with roxy
2) go outside and play
3) play with my friend kathy
4) watch a movie

see why it's so hard?

smarty but a lil sad

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

wow! i have such great news! i was nominated at my school for a special award. you know the reason for the award? well, i'll tell you. it's for good grades and being a good student and good person. i don't even know who nominated me! i could guess, but i won't know until i ask the teacher. good thing i see him tomorrow so i can ask him. i feel so, so, so, sooooooooooooooooo smart and good about myself. i've been working super hard and not just for good grades either. i've been doing it because my studies are so important to me. i'm so excited that a TEACHER noticed me so much! i love it when i get noticed! then i told my mommy and she said "my buttons are bursting". that means she's really proud of me too and that feels real good.
the sad news is there is a boy i have a crush on and i found out today he has a girlfriend he likes a real lot. i feel sorta stupid for thinking about him and wondering about him all this time and he was off being happy with another girl. it's been a long time that i've been trying to talk to him and get to know him and now he probably knows i like like him and felt weird because he had a girlfriend and all that. i'm sad because all the nice boys i meet have a girlfriend and i wonder when the right one will come along. i know he will, but i get real impatient, y'no? i've been waiting a real long time and it makes me wanna stamp my feet and get all crazy mad...especially now that i know i deserve him. okay, i just wanted to say all that. i hope that's okay.


comments
B
PB!!!! I can't believe I'm finding out about this nomination on your blog!! MOZEL TOV!!! That is so awesome!! I have to say that MY buttons are bursting also! Plus, I'm BEAMING! And as for the other thing. I think it's totally okay to stomp your feet. Do it. Get it out of your system and then remember that he wasn't the one for you. The one for you is still out there, getting clear for when he meets YOU!Congrats again! And keep up the good work!TWO BIG KUDOS for being nominated for an AWARD for being so great!
Posted by B on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 11:16 PM


Kim
SO you are so the smartest friend I have ever known and I am so glad you are being recognized for it! You are one of a kind and every person you meet, even if you don't know it right away....sees your awesome beauty inside and out....and once in a while you even get prizes for it!!!!
Posted by Kim on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 11:28 PM

weird

Friday, March 23, 2007

so, remember when i told you about the secret i learned? and remember when i was happy because i was learning about being pretty great and grateful? that's still working really good. remember the part about meeting a boy and how i have been asking for one in my life? well, a weird thing is happening since i've been believing so hard in it lately. i keep thinking i'm missing something...like i forgot to call someone or i'm waiting for a call. i couldn't figure out what it was until today when i realized i miss him. do you think my brain is crazy? do you think this secret is making me think weird things? would you guys mind helping me with this one...i get scared when i think maybe i have a crazy thing in my mind.okay. thanks.


comments
If u think your crazy then sister I need to be locked up in a straight jacket..you are the furthest from crazy. Your brain and soul are going through a drastic change right now. You have been thinking a certain way for a long time now. Just like any habit we form there is going to an adjustment..good or bad. Maybe not bad so much as uncomfortable. Maybe what you are feeling is anxious? You are doing so awesome with this positive outlook (so darn proud of you I could scream!) and I know things are changing in your life and will continue to grow all over the place. Now is the time to practice patience. It's okay to miss him even if he is not there yet. It is the anticipation building inside you...deep inside you and I don't think it is wrong at all. Juts keep it in tact...don't let it bring you down...accept it like it is a test...the universe or God is just testing the waters out a bit. And believing shouldnt be hard...it should flow inside and out of you like love does...so dont be trying too hard and exhausting yourself over anything!! Enjoy your new found freedom from the worry and stress of life....Trust....let go...enjoy your fanastic weekend ahead of you..Love K
Posted by Kim on Friday, March 23, 2007 at 10:37 PM

B
Kim!! That was such a wonderful, thoughtful, heart-warming response! I wish I could have said it at least as equally as well! Good on ya, mate! PB is lucky to have you for a friend.
Posted by B on Monday, March 26, 2007 at 11:57 PM

Lara
Dearest PB,
I think that your good friend Kim is very wise and you should trust what she has to say. You deserve all the blessings that come your way. Enjoy yourself!
Posted by Lara on Sunday, March 25, 2007 at 3:18 AM

B
Wow! I don't think that's crazy! I think that's a testament to how strongly you believe the good about yourself and what you deserve!! I think that's wonderful! I also think it's impressive that you were able to identifiy the source of the feeling so quickly. Now that you know what it is, maybe you just need to keep channeling that positive energy in the right direction, by continuing to believe you're worthy of having all the joy you yearn for. Don't give up PB!2 kudos for braveness and smartery.
Posted by B on Monday, March 26, 2007 at 11:55 PM

i think i get it.

Monday, March 19, 2007

so i watched this movie and it tells a secret in it. the secret has to do with me finding a boy and other good things that are happening to me. the movie also reminded me that i have so many great things in my life and when i think about them, it feels good. like when isaac smiles and when roxy wags her tail at me, when barb and i have a joke no one else understands and when my parents tell me they are proud of me. i tried it out today when i felt myself getting sad about something: i stopped and closed my eyes and thought about something that feels good. the sad thing is still around a little but not a lot. i'm leaving barb and aaron and isaac today and that makes me feel a little weird in my tummy. i think i get so comfy here i get scared to leave. i know because it happens to me whenever i am leaving them. having people who know you real good and love you no matter what is really safe feeling and i'm real lucky because i have people like that. now i remember that if i get scared i can just close my eyes and think about the good feelings and i can feel safe again. it's like a trick! good think i learned such a good trick...

comments
That IS a good think!I'm proud of you for using such a simple but powerful tool to help yourself get through more difficult moments.Also, don't forget to Celebrate Impermanance!By the way, Isaac is hootin' and a-hollerin'. I think it's cause he misses Peanut.2 kudos for being brave and positive.
Posted by B on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at 9:01 PM

lonely

Sunday, March 04, 2007

i feel kinda lonely. it's sunday afternoon and my phone hasn't rung once since friday afternoon. isn't that weird? well, for me, it feels weird. i mean, i don't really have time to do much w/any friends because i have a lot of school work...but i wonder why no one has at least called. i wonder if i did something to push people away and what it was. things feel hard enough w/boys and school, i don't want to have to try so hard w/ my friends. don't people miss me when i don't call? sometimes i wonder if i'm the only one that feels like i don't have a social life. i mean, i wonder what all my friends are doing and it's usually something w/their bf or husband or even roommate. it's weird that i don't have a built in buddy and i get scared when i start to and then it goes away. i start to wonder if i was a good friend in the first place. maybe i'm easy to lose or forget about. i don't think i am and i get scared if i start to think about myself that way. i know i need to just think about schoolwork but it's hard when you feel sad.

that feels good.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

i got so excited because i got comments! it made me cry and everything, but in the good way. it's exciting to me that my feelings aren't scary to certain people. i know i am really lucky because i have people in my life that can read this and not get uncomfortable and they like it even!
the truth is, even though i'm lucky that a few people can look, i don't think many people can. i think it's weird to most people that i talk about my feelings. i think most people don't know what to say if you talk about feelings, especially if they are bad feelings. i'm not having those bad feelings now, but i was having a lot of them for the past few weeks and it gets scary. i get scared because number 1, i feel like i shouldn't be so sad, number 2, i don't want to make other people sad or tired of me and number 3, sometimes i feel like i'm always being sad. whenever the sad is back i just don't know what to do or who to talk to and that gets scary. i pray that one day i can just be normal and stop having sad times so often, that would be the BEST.

what's happening?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

i'm scared that i'm getting uglier. maybe i used to be cute and pretty and it's going away. i'm that girl that no one really notices, even when i wear my cute clothes. i see all my friends getting noticed, but not me and i wonder what is going to happen to me. what if i die of lonliness? what if i shrivel up from no one seeing me or ever wanting to give me love? do you think it's possible for me to just fade into the a crowd of people until there is nothing left of me? sometimes lately, that's how i feel. all i can think of is getting in bed so i don't have to try to be noticed anymore. i'm so tired from trying. how come no one else around me has to try and boys just notice them? and talk to them?
i'm tired. i want to just go to sleep.


comments
Dearest PB,
It's my opinion that you're a beautiful little girl both inside and out. Here's something I do when I'm feeling down- maybe it will help you next time you feel scared. Focus on what you like about yourself. Anything from how good you are in the kichen or with your favorite pet to your strong, infectious laugh or your playfulness. These are all positive qualities that make up the unique and beautiful you. Give it a whirl and let me know how it works for you. Law
Posted by Lara on Sunday, February 18, 2007 at 11:19 AM


B
Dear PB,I see you. I see you all the time. I see you even when you're not in front of me. I even hear you when you're not near me! I think you're so cool. I think the way you dress and the way you wear your makeup and do your hair is so chic and awesome and I always wish I could be like that. And you're so good at your work and school. And also you always know what you're feeling and you are able to say those feelings really good. I wish I could do that. I carry around a little bit of jealousness that you are like that and no matter how hard I try, I can't do it like you can.I wanted to tell you these things because you said you feel like you're always trying so hard for boys to notice you. And even though I'm not a boy, I wanted to tell you that I notice you and I think you're cool. Also, I thought maybe if you didn't try so hard all the time, you wouldn't be so tired. Like you could just walk around all the time and keep in a special place inside you the knowledge of how people who love you feel about you, and it might show to the outside and then maybe boys would talk to you. Sometimes (especially in the dark), I try really hard to see something, but when I look right at it, I can't see it. I have to look a little bit to the side to see it. Maybe it's like that with you. You're trying so hard and you want boys to look right at you, but if you tried less, maybe it would be easier to see you. I dunno. Like I said, you're MUCH better at saying how you feel. I hope you read this the way I wrote it and don't take it in any kinda bad way.Love,-bP.S. 2 kudos for being so brave for what you write about, PB!
Posted by B on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 at 9:20 PM

Kim
Dear PB, Great name by the way. Just to let you know when I was your age I had a mole on my lip and kids in my class told me I was really ugly and looked like a monkey. I would come home and cry almost every day afterschool. I understand when you say you just want to go to sleep. Now that I am older I am glad I get to wake up much more than I wanted to wake up back then. And when I look at pictures of me and my mole I don't think I was ugly. When I look at pictures of the kids in my class they looked just like me. Sometimes I think we all really feel the same deep down inside no one feels really cute at times in there life. Everyone feels invisible sometimes too. I played with Barbies and Sunshine family alot too. Love Kimberly
Posted by Kim on Friday, March 23, 2007 at 10:27 PM

mommy

Sunday, February 11, 2007

first of all...how come "family" isn't an option for a category here. that's stupid.
this is a problem for this blog because i wanna talk about my mommy and how good things are right now. a lot of times she doesn't understand me and it makes me so crazy. i get my feelings hurt because she's my mommy and i want her to just get me no matter what. she wants to be my friend and i want her to, but she doesn't understand some things i try to say to her and i get real mad and then sad.
well, lately...i think we've both been trying to be real nice. and not nice in the fake way. i hate the fake way and i've been trying to make her get that too. sometimes you just gotta fight so you can be nice in the real way. it feels better after the fight, too cause then all your feelings are showing and when your feelings are showing to the people that love you then they are real careful with them. sometimes other people are more careful with them then you can be yourself. so, anyway...i noticed that stuff with mommy is real good cause i've been talking about her more in a good way to barb and my friends. like, i can tell them an opinion she had or something funny she said to me and it's not like in a mean way. i was doing it in a mean way before. it feels awful to feel that way about your mommy. especially when your mommy loves you as much as mine loves me and tries so hard. now, i think it's getting equal cause we are both trying real hard. trying in the real way feels good. i am excited to see her in a month and i'm praying that we both keep doing what we are doing so it keeps feeling good in my heart.

comments
I hear ya girl. I just had a huge blow-out fight with my mom on the phone Friday night. She wanted to do her typical "let's not talk about this" and run away from the issues. I forced her to stay on the phone and duke it out. We both were crying but it felt good to be real. We have a long way to go but it is definitely worth the fight. What is it about moms and daughters? Thanks for sharing. I know how much a struggle it has been for you and your mom and I'm glad that things are good right now. I hope it continues to get better.
Posted by N to the O on Sunday, February 11, 2007 at 1:59 PM

today

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

it was a really good day. it was super cold, but i was ready for it today! i dressed in lots of layers and being warm all day put me in a much better mood. there was lots to do at work and i really like being busy while i'm there. that boy i think is so cute was there today too. i was almost late for morning meeting and when i sat down in my chair i saw him looking at me. i guess a lot of people were because i came in kinda late. i only noticed him though. i'm always super friendly to him and he's very nice to me. i wish i knew if he thought i am pretty or wanted to play. sometimes i get all these butterflies fluttering around in my tummy when we talk! but i don't get to talk to him very often. i wish i knew why all of my girlfriends have boys that are interested in them and i don't. my friends seem to be telling me stories all the time about a boy who asked them to play. that doesn't really happen to me and i get sad about it. it was very warm at school today too. that was really good. then i came home and ate mac and cheese but it wasn't as good as i thought it would be.
i'm excited to go to school tomorrow and see my friends. i'm supposed to see lara too and we will play at yoga.it should be a good day.

school

Monday, February 05, 2007

i was in school tonite and i did really good. i spoke up a lot, not because i knew i would be right, but because i wanted to try. the teacher liked the things i was saying and asked if i ate my wheaties this morning. that made me laugh and made me feel good because it means i said good things. i wish i could feel like that all the time.
there was a boy looking at me on the train and after the 3rd or 4th time i wondered if there was something on my face, or if there was something weird about how i looked. i got kind of nervous about it. i was wearing glasses and a hat and had no makeup on and i didn't think he was looking at me because he liked me or anything. i wish. he was a cute boy. but he didn't smile or anything. cute boys don't usually smile at me like they like me and i get tired of waiting for that. sometimes i just wanna say: "hey, what about me?". but i only think that in my mind. i would be too scared to really say it. what if they laugh at me? or ignore me? or look at me like i'm crazy? i really wouldn't know what to do, so i guess i'll just stay quiet. it's not as scary.

lil steph's 1st

Sunday, February 04, 2007

sometimes it's hard to go out. and then once i'm out, it's hard to feel like myself. i see people having fun together and i wish i was like them. it's like i can only have fun with my friend lara. if i want to be around other friends i need to think about it for a long time before i go. it's like i want to look just right and be in just the right mood when we go out. people think i'm funny and fun to be around and i know sometimes i am, but not all the time. if i'm not fun they probably will wonder what's wrong and i won't have an answer. sometimes i just feel quiet or sad or scared. but i don't like these feelings and they have been around more and more lately. sometimes when i am out and start out feeling good i think i want attention. usually i don't get much attention and that puts me in a bad mood. and usually the friend i'm with gets a lot of attention. that hurts my feelings because i figure i'm not as cute so it doesn't matter that i'm funny or smart. i don't wanna beg someone to talk to me, i want them to see me and talk to me. i want to be the prettier one. i never am. that makes me sad. i cry a lot about it lately. i know it matters more what's on the inside and my insides are real good. but you can't wear your insides on your outside, can you? if anyone knows how, can they explain it to me, because i feel confused about that one thing. i'm real smart and can learn it fast, so as soon as you can tell me, i can learn it. thanks for helping.
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