hard stuff.

i'm still mad. i think it's because my boyfriend. i wanna do stuff that he doesn't wanna do yet and it feels like he doesn't love me enough. what's wrong w/me? why wouldn't he love me enough? is there something i should do? something different? do i do something wrong? am i too crazy for him? i get scared that i will never be good enough. not for me or for him. i have been trying to pray a lot lately. i have been listening closely to what G-d is saying. it's hard to understand...i get all confused by the stuff my own brain tells me. i try to listen to my heart. it's a better thing, what my heart is saying. it's nice and kind. my brain can be mean. i'm trying to be real patient and it's real hard. i want things to go quick and they go slow. things go slow w/my boyfriend and that's real hard for me. i wonder what is wrong and why things aren't faster. there's one special reason why it's so important that we go faster this time. i don't really know how to explain it. but it's about my body and weird stuff that happens to it. what i really want to know is....how can i start liking me enough?

okay, okay...i know. i haven't been writing in a really long time. now i am and it's cuz things are bugging me again. i can't do anything good enough ever and i hate it. i try real hard at work and it seems like i can't do anything else. i hate it. i hate that i don't do much else and i feel lazy and angry. i feel fat and lazy. i know no one wants to be around me when i'm all angry. my bestest friend is leaving me and it's not fair! it's not fair!!!!! it doesn't matter how many times i say it, it's not gonna change. one bestest friend already left and now another. and the worst part is that neither of them even want to! i haven't been running. i only do a little yoga. i don't go to the gym. i'm tired of worrying about money. i feel like i'm no good. not worth really being around. i made my boyfriend mad and then my sister yelled at me. i just want to be away from me so badly. i want to go to sleep for around a week. maybe i'll feel okay again. but then maybe not cuz i'll still have to be with me.

eat.

Lately i feel like i can't stop eating. i realized i wasn't feeling so good because i have been eating too much and started being real careful about it. at first, it was easy to be careful and it felt good because i had so many fruits and veggies, but then it got hard. now it's like i think about food all the time and it's like some kind of trap for me. it's like i'm crazy out of control when i eat and even though i don't feel hungry anymore, eating still feels so good. then i feel real bad about myself afterward and wonder why i couldn't stop. i think about the time i was eating better a couple weeks ago and how happy that made me. then i get scared that i can't stop and i will keep getting fat and feel badly about myself. i won't be able to run around and feel healthy.

it makes me feel yucky...i do it anyway. it doesn't make any sense to me. my mommy has some real bad habits and i'm afraid i caught them. she doesn't know how to take care of herself and i don't want to do that. it's all so hard and confusing.

back but scared.

well, it's been a looooooong time since i've written and i don't know why. lots of stuff has happened. some of it is super great and some of it is really hard and i think it's time to write again. the main thing i'm spending time thinking about is really hard and it's about my aunt. she is going to have surgery today and it's really pretty scary. what scares me worse is that she is real mad about it...especially because she was sick before and had to have surgery. i would probably be real mad too if i went through all of that and had to do it again. i wish i could help her feel better. i wish she could feel better about herself and her life and maybe she wouldn't be so mad and maybe she would get better. it's hard when you don't know what to do to help someone but you care alot and wanna help them. since i can't really be with her cause we live far away and she is kinda just mad right now, i've been praying a lot for her. i've been asking G-d to help her to be strong and to help her family to be strong and keep remembering all the good things that G-d gives us. i also asked some of my friends who know her to pray for her and her family as well. i don't think my aunt wants anyone to know, but it's important for alot of people to be paying attention to prayers for her. it's the only way i really know how to help so that's what i'm doing.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!

it's a super special day for me because it's my birthday!! it's only 10:30 and already i've heard from a bunch of people wishing me a happy birthday...isn't that cool? today i'm going to go with my boyfriend to a fun restaurant and meet a bunch of my friends there. i'm trying to decided what to wear so i feel pretty and special for my big day. i always get a lil nervous on my birthday because i'm not sure i "deserve" so much attention (even though it feels real good). i feel like i wanna give back as much as i get from my friends and that's hard sometimes.

this is an extra good birthday this year because i've learned how to be real happy with my life. last year, on my birthday was the total opposite. i was so sad and i had no one really to share my day with and that made me sadder. i learned this year that maybe i made things that way by not paying attention and being grateful for how much i do have. now that it's a habit for me to think about and be thankful for so much, i know that all of those things keep coming! i make sure to think about all of my friends and how they give me lots of support, my family and how much love they show me and even the little things like being comfortable in my house and cuddling up with my puppy. i think that is why this birthday is extra special because i learned how to make me happy....and since i have so much in my life, it ended up being an easy lesson once i really understood it.

now i'm learning patience. not everyone knows the lesson i know and not everyone is ready to have the thanks right now that i do. when it comes to the people i love, i want them to be as happy as i am so i sometimes get impatient when they aren't. all kinds of things in life are hard and different things are hard for different people and i want to be able to understand that for those that i love. that's what's important for me to work on right now. i keep reminding myself everyday: be patient. be patient. be patient...

we all want others to be patient with us. and i know how much people are with me and so i'm working on being able to do that for others. lessons are never over, are they?

lazzzzzzzzzzzzy.

I don't know why i feel so lazy, but i do. i don't wanna do anything. i don't wanna study, or run or even go to school. maybe it's the weather. there's a lot of clouds in the sky today and yesterday. no sun smiling at me. this lazy feeling has been happening for a couple of days and i wish it would go away. when i don't do stuff i start feeling real bad about myself.

my boyfriend did some real nice stuff for me. he wanted to have my birthday nite a little early so he made me dinner and gave me some really special stuff. wanna know what? i'll give you a hint: okay, it was a big hint, but i wanted grover to have a picture up. i got a new huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge grover!! he's huge! he hid him under a blanket and i got scared that someone was under there...that's how big he is! i also got a tshirt w/supergrover on it. i'm real lucky to have a boyfriend who is so thoughtful. now i just have to figure out where he is gonna go in my room! if i wasn't so lazy right now, i could probably do that, but i really just want to get into bed w/my puppy right now and not think about anything. how can i do it w/o feeling bad about me?

i can't even believe it.

i have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend who likes me a real lot and tells me so. and even when he doesn't tell me so, i know because of how he treats me and talks to me. i need a whole lot of attention and it seems like it's easy for him to do that and i need to be able to tell someone lots of things and it seems easy for him to hear them. you know what he said to me? he said: "i like little steph. she's impatient and wants everything right now and i like her." my heart almost exploded when he said this because i know he really sees a lot of things about me that other boys don't and he likes it. i think right now we are a perfect match and he's just what i asked G-d for. i asked for someone i can trust, laugh with, feel like myself, have things in common with, like to do stuff with and wants to be loved.
G-d is so generous when you can tell him exactly what you need to be happy...and also when you start to figure out how generous he is everyday. i've been thinking about that stuff a lot. the more i thank G-d for my genuine friends and my family that loves me the more it happens. i guess i'm just real thankful and it feels good to think about it all the time.

i'm very excited for a special nite tonite. my friend has a new store that is opening and it's a big celebration! my boyfriend is coming to the celebration and he and my friend get to meet which is super important to me. also, my friend took lots of pictures of me in the beautiful clothes she makes and put them all over the store! can you believe that? i kinda feel like a star or something...but i didn't even try to do this. it just happened. i feel super special about it and can't wait to go to the celebration tonite! yipeeeeee!