hard stuff.

i'm still mad. i think it's because my boyfriend. i wanna do stuff that he doesn't wanna do yet and it feels like he doesn't love me enough. what's wrong w/me? why wouldn't he love me enough? is there something i should do? something different? do i do something wrong? am i too crazy for him? i get scared that i will never be good enough. not for me or for him. i have been trying to pray a lot lately. i have been listening closely to what G-d is saying. it's hard to understand...i get all confused by the stuff my own brain tells me. i try to listen to my heart. it's a better thing, what my heart is saying. it's nice and kind. my brain can be mean. i'm trying to be real patient and it's real hard. i want things to go quick and they go slow. things go slow w/my boyfriend and that's real hard for me. i wonder what is wrong and why things aren't faster. there's one special reason why it's so important that we go faster this time. i don't really know how to explain it. but it's about my body and weird stuff that happens to it. what i really want to know is....how can i start liking me enough?

okay, okay...i know. i haven't been writing in a really long time. now i am and it's cuz things are bugging me again. i can't do anything good enough ever and i hate it. i try real hard at work and it seems like i can't do anything else. i hate it. i hate that i don't do much else and i feel lazy and angry. i feel fat and lazy. i know no one wants to be around me when i'm all angry. my bestest friend is leaving me and it's not fair! it's not fair!!!!! it doesn't matter how many times i say it, it's not gonna change. one bestest friend already left and now another. and the worst part is that neither of them even want to! i haven't been running. i only do a little yoga. i don't go to the gym. i'm tired of worrying about money. i feel like i'm no good. not worth really being around. i made my boyfriend mad and then my sister yelled at me. i just want to be away from me so badly. i want to go to sleep for around a week. maybe i'll feel okay again. but then maybe not cuz i'll still have to be with me.