dreamy...

that boy that i've been hanging out with is almost like a dream! he says really nice things and makes me laugh a real lot. y'no what else he said? he told me he has a crush on me! can you imagine a boy that is cute, nice, smart and funny likes likes me??! we have a lot of things about us that's different, but in a real good way. we have a lot of things about us that's the same like important stuff. i like the way he talks to me about lots of different things. it makes me interested all the time to get to know even more. i was telling nai all kinds of stuff about him and y'no what she said? she said he's just like her! and the more i think about, the more that seems like the truth. that makes me feel really good and more secure. nai is my bestest friend for a real long time and she has been there for me through eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything! if i could find a boy that is as caring and loving and playful as she is, i would for sure be the luckiest girl in the world. then i would really be in a dream!

lucky me!

so, in all of my nervousness i couldn't get my brain together to study which made things even worse. i got scared because everything was getting bigger and bigger in my head and my heart was beating so fast! i had lots of books in front of me, but i couldn't read any of them and i was really close to thinking i might explode! i talked to barb for a little and she was really busy. the nervousness didn't go away an it started to scare me a lot. i called nai and told her what was going on and she worked really hard to help me. she told me stories that made me very happy and then she made me do silly stuff to make my mind think of better things. we talked for a little while and she was reminding me about all sorts of good things about me and gave me some ideas for my studies. it made me feel so good that she did all of that for me.

after that another good friend called and was offering to help me too. how many people in the world have such great friends?? i felt really warm and loved inside and also safer.

you know what happened after that? i started thinking really clear again and my school stuff wasn't so hard. it all started making sense again and then i started liking reading it again. how lucky am i? waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay super duper lucky. that's for sure.

help me find the bright side.

i'm getting real tired of how nervous i feel all the time. i can't really figure out what's going on with me, but i don't feel real good. i know i'm upset because my friend doesn't really talk to me very much anymore now that she has a boyfriend. it makes me feel really sad and lonely because we used to spend a lot of time together and talk all the time. now i feel like i'm not really important. i guess it bothers me double duty because she was just having a lot of problems and i was a really good friend for her. it was some real bad stuff and i did a lot to help her and her family. it was a bad time for everyone, but we got through it. the thing is, now that it's over, it's like i don't matter anymore and that makes my feelings hurt. i also start thinking i did something wrong or maybe i'm annoying to be around because it seems like this happens a lot to me and my friends. it's like i can only be close to someone for a short period of time and then they go away. why do ya think that happens? it makes me wanna yell and scream at someone, but i don't think that would help. it also doesn't help to be sad about it, but i do that part.
sorry i have a lot of bad blogs. i guess i've been having a lot of bad feelings lately. i hope my friends don't get tired of it and stop reading...

i think i get an F in playtime.

the good news is, i got to play with that new boy again. we had a real good time again. the bad news is, now i feel like i'm going crazy with so much worry. i want to just be regular and smile when i think about what fun we had last nite. BUT i feel the opposite of regular...i want to scream because i feel so crazy with all of the old thoughts that want to come into my head and i keep fighting them out. my body felt weird all day today and i couldn't sleep so good because of all of the things going around and around in my mind. the worries are: what if he doesn't want to see me again? what if i said something wrong? what if he doesn't really like me? what if i annoyed him last nite? what if i never get to see him again and have to tell my friends that another boy didn't like me? how come i don't feel good about myself and know that i was just being me so it all doesn't really matter?

it just feels really bad when i think about these things, but they won't go away! the worst part is i have so much schoolwork to do and my brain is all filled up with these other things that i don't even want in there!

i'm feeling unsafe in my own brain...like i need other people to do my thinking for me because i don't know the right things to think right now. then i get mad because i want to do these things for myself and just be normal for once. i'm also mad because this is what i've asked G-d for, a chance with a boy. now that i am having some kind of chance i'm ruining it with all of my crazy thinking. i guess if he didn't seem so wonderfully sweet and smart and funny already none of this would matter. i guess it's scary to really be liking someone. it's like my heart is in a container and i wanna open that container so bad, but only when it's just the right time. i need to feel really super duper safe to open that container and i'm not safe right now at all...i'm out here all by myself and scared. if i know i'm real smart, why am i being super UNsmart about all of this? this is way harder than anything in school or dance class or anything i've ever done.

here we go again...

sometimes i get so lonely because everyone else has someone else in their life except me. i wanna be someone's #1, but i feel like no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't happen. i guess someone who has been alone so long should be used to it by now, but i'm not. it's so important to me to be around other people and i have a lot of people, but not really anyone's #1 and i get my feelings hurt because of that. so that's how i feel right now, hurt. i wish i knew another way to expalin it because i feel all alone in being alone. and i know i talk about it way too much so i don't know what to do w/the bad feelings anymore. i guess i'm pretty tired of trying to figure this stuff out all the time.

all tied up.

see that picture? that's exactly what my belly feels like and what it's been feeling like for many days. did i swallow a rope? that would be weird if i did, but i can't figure out another reason that there's a big knot in my tummy. i keep trying different things like my exercises, and talking to my friends, having a lot of concentrating in school and listening to songs i like. what's weird is that one of my favorite things hasn't been very good lately, and that's food. it's like there's no space for food because the knot is taking up all the room. i know i feel worried about school because i wanna do real good. i'm also worried because maybe this new boy doesn't really like me. i haven't talked to him in many days and i'm going back to thinking bad things again. i'm trying real hard not to and to just remember if he doesn't like me it's okay. but i get upset when i don't even get a chance to know someone new and then POOF they disappear. i also really miss my good friend who is better, but still maybe not all the way and i get scared. my other really good friend has some bad things happening in her life, and my bestest friend and i still haven't talked for a month!! i'll keep my fingers crossed that these things get better fast.

feeling blue.

i have lots of work to do and can't do it for some reason. it's mostly work for my school and usually i like doing that stuff, but lately i don't want to. i feel a little sad this weekend and i don't really know why. if i could turn into a color it would be blue and that would show people how i am feeling. the weather is still cold and windy out, so i don't want to go out and play. school stuff isn't very interesting lately and i don't want to do that either. i just know that the end of school is very close and if i don't do my work i will be really sorry. i really want to keep my good grades and there's one stupid teacher who has made me feel sort of bad about some work that i did. i know i shouldn't let one teacher make me feel bad, but it made me real surprised that she didn't like my work. i have to do more work for her and what if she doesn't like that either? so while i'm feeling yucky i'm just trying to think about all the stuff that makes me happy like isaac and roxy and my super good friends and my family who loves me a lot and that i'm lucky. i keep thinking real hard about how lucky i am and i keep thanking G-d for so much good around me.

it really happened!

i went out to play with a new boy today and everything went real good! i'm so excited and happy all of my insides are jumping around!! we ate dinner but i hardly remember it because of how much talking we were doing. and not just the silly kind of talking, the real important stuff too. it was so easy and i didn't feel like i had to try real hard or anything which is the part i hate most about being around an new boy. he said a lot of things that made me feel real good and i hope he knew that i liked him too. we talked about playing again together soon! i can't wait! wanna know my favorite things about him so far? okay, i'll tell you:

1) he's funny

2) he notices good things about me

3) he likes to talk about a lot of things

4) he's super smart but not all braggy about it

5) he is very cute

this all meant a lot to me today. it means that all the believing and trusting that i have been doing is working.

ps: i'm also very happy today because my good friend is feeling better. when i talk to her it makes my insides all bright like sunshine. :)

sad

i'm very sad today. my really close friend is real sick and had to go to the hospital. i got scared that maybe she shouldn't go to the hospital because she really didn't want to. her doctor said she should, so we did. now she has to stay overnight in a strange place until she gets better. then what's even worse, is i had to tell her mommy about it. her mommy lives far away and now has to get on a plane to come here to see her. it made her mommy very scared to hear that she was so sick she needed to be in the hospital. it's hard for her to understand what it's like to be so confused in your brain that someone else has to take care of you. i guess it's hard for a lot of people to understand it. i know my friend is gonna be okay. i know the doctors are smart and will take real good care of her, but my friend doesn't really understand that yet...because of the confused brain stuff. when her brain is regular, she is so much my friend that understands every little thing about me and we have so much fun together. she is smart and funny and kind and beautiful inside and out. i miss her a lot right now. i guess it's her regular brain that i miss.

people keep telling me that i'm a good friend and i did a good job. i guess i don't care about people telling me that because it feels like nothing. i did what what the normal thing for me...helping. i guess that makes me a good friend. somehow, it doesn't matter. all that matters is that she feels safe and that her brain gets better. i mean, i'm sad for my friend and for her mommy, but i guess i'm actually pretty sad for me. it's hard to be that way, especially when i am around her because i just wanna be strong for her. it's all very hard and i'm tired.