how could they?!

i'm super mad at myspace because they kicked me off! after all the work i did, they didn't even warn me. it's not fair!!! they didn't have to go and throw out all of my hard work like that, i wasn't doing anything bad, gosh! now i'm in a new place and i hope my friends will still read and tell me what they think. my friends are so super important to me and it means a lot that they tell me honest feelings about my honest feelings.

anyway, i'm trying to get some stuff done today, but it's real hard. i hate cleaning my room. i start doing other stuff real easily like writing my thoughts or playing with roxy. it's been happening waaaaaay too much lately and i get real mad at myself when i don't do important stuff. here's the stuff i have to do:
1) clean my desk
2) put away my clothes
3) clean the bathroom
4) stuff on the computer for school
5) take out the recycling
6) study!
here's the stuff i want to do:
1) play with roxy
2) go outside and play
3) play with my friend kathy
4) watch a movie

see why it's so hard?

smarty but a lil sad

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

wow! i have such great news! i was nominated at my school for a special award. you know the reason for the award? well, i'll tell you. it's for good grades and being a good student and good person. i don't even know who nominated me! i could guess, but i won't know until i ask the teacher. good thing i see him tomorrow so i can ask him. i feel so, so, so, sooooooooooooooooo smart and good about myself. i've been working super hard and not just for good grades either. i've been doing it because my studies are so important to me. i'm so excited that a TEACHER noticed me so much! i love it when i get noticed! then i told my mommy and she said "my buttons are bursting". that means she's really proud of me too and that feels real good.
the sad news is there is a boy i have a crush on and i found out today he has a girlfriend he likes a real lot. i feel sorta stupid for thinking about him and wondering about him all this time and he was off being happy with another girl. it's been a long time that i've been trying to talk to him and get to know him and now he probably knows i like like him and felt weird because he had a girlfriend and all that. i'm sad because all the nice boys i meet have a girlfriend and i wonder when the right one will come along. i know he will, but i get real impatient, y'no? i've been waiting a real long time and it makes me wanna stamp my feet and get all crazy mad...especially now that i know i deserve him. okay, i just wanted to say all that. i hope that's okay.


comments
B
PB!!!! I can't believe I'm finding out about this nomination on your blog!! MOZEL TOV!!! That is so awesome!! I have to say that MY buttons are bursting also! Plus, I'm BEAMING! And as for the other thing. I think it's totally okay to stomp your feet. Do it. Get it out of your system and then remember that he wasn't the one for you. The one for you is still out there, getting clear for when he meets YOU!Congrats again! And keep up the good work!TWO BIG KUDOS for being nominated for an AWARD for being so great!
Posted by B on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 11:16 PM


Kim
SO you are so the smartest friend I have ever known and I am so glad you are being recognized for it! You are one of a kind and every person you meet, even if you don't know it right away....sees your awesome beauty inside and out....and once in a while you even get prizes for it!!!!
Posted by Kim on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 11:28 PM

weird

Friday, March 23, 2007

so, remember when i told you about the secret i learned? and remember when i was happy because i was learning about being pretty great and grateful? that's still working really good. remember the part about meeting a boy and how i have been asking for one in my life? well, a weird thing is happening since i've been believing so hard in it lately. i keep thinking i'm missing something...like i forgot to call someone or i'm waiting for a call. i couldn't figure out what it was until today when i realized i miss him. do you think my brain is crazy? do you think this secret is making me think weird things? would you guys mind helping me with this one...i get scared when i think maybe i have a crazy thing in my mind.okay. thanks.


comments
If u think your crazy then sister I need to be locked up in a straight jacket..you are the furthest from crazy. Your brain and soul are going through a drastic change right now. You have been thinking a certain way for a long time now. Just like any habit we form there is going to an adjustment..good or bad. Maybe not bad so much as uncomfortable. Maybe what you are feeling is anxious? You are doing so awesome with this positive outlook (so darn proud of you I could scream!) and I know things are changing in your life and will continue to grow all over the place. Now is the time to practice patience. It's okay to miss him even if he is not there yet. It is the anticipation building inside you...deep inside you and I don't think it is wrong at all. Juts keep it in tact...don't let it bring you down...accept it like it is a test...the universe or God is just testing the waters out a bit. And believing shouldnt be hard...it should flow inside and out of you like love does...so dont be trying too hard and exhausting yourself over anything!! Enjoy your new found freedom from the worry and stress of life....Trust....let go...enjoy your fanastic weekend ahead of you..Love K
Posted by Kim on Friday, March 23, 2007 at 10:37 PM

B
Kim!! That was such a wonderful, thoughtful, heart-warming response! I wish I could have said it at least as equally as well! Good on ya, mate! PB is lucky to have you for a friend.
Posted by B on Monday, March 26, 2007 at 11:57 PM

Lara
Dearest PB,
I think that your good friend Kim is very wise and you should trust what she has to say. You deserve all the blessings that come your way. Enjoy yourself!
Posted by Lara on Sunday, March 25, 2007 at 3:18 AM

B
Wow! I don't think that's crazy! I think that's a testament to how strongly you believe the good about yourself and what you deserve!! I think that's wonderful! I also think it's impressive that you were able to identifiy the source of the feeling so quickly. Now that you know what it is, maybe you just need to keep channeling that positive energy in the right direction, by continuing to believe you're worthy of having all the joy you yearn for. Don't give up PB!2 kudos for braveness and smartery.
Posted by B on Monday, March 26, 2007 at 11:55 PM

i think i get it.

Monday, March 19, 2007

so i watched this movie and it tells a secret in it. the secret has to do with me finding a boy and other good things that are happening to me. the movie also reminded me that i have so many great things in my life and when i think about them, it feels good. like when isaac smiles and when roxy wags her tail at me, when barb and i have a joke no one else understands and when my parents tell me they are proud of me. i tried it out today when i felt myself getting sad about something: i stopped and closed my eyes and thought about something that feels good. the sad thing is still around a little but not a lot. i'm leaving barb and aaron and isaac today and that makes me feel a little weird in my tummy. i think i get so comfy here i get scared to leave. i know because it happens to me whenever i am leaving them. having people who know you real good and love you no matter what is really safe feeling and i'm real lucky because i have people like that. now i remember that if i get scared i can just close my eyes and think about the good feelings and i can feel safe again. it's like a trick! good think i learned such a good trick...

comments
That IS a good think!I'm proud of you for using such a simple but powerful tool to help yourself get through more difficult moments.Also, don't forget to Celebrate Impermanance!By the way, Isaac is hootin' and a-hollerin'. I think it's cause he misses Peanut.2 kudos for being brave and positive.
Posted by B on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at 9:01 PM

lonely

Sunday, March 04, 2007

i feel kinda lonely. it's sunday afternoon and my phone hasn't rung once since friday afternoon. isn't that weird? well, for me, it feels weird. i mean, i don't really have time to do much w/any friends because i have a lot of school work...but i wonder why no one has at least called. i wonder if i did something to push people away and what it was. things feel hard enough w/boys and school, i don't want to have to try so hard w/ my friends. don't people miss me when i don't call? sometimes i wonder if i'm the only one that feels like i don't have a social life. i mean, i wonder what all my friends are doing and it's usually something w/their bf or husband or even roommate. it's weird that i don't have a built in buddy and i get scared when i start to and then it goes away. i start to wonder if i was a good friend in the first place. maybe i'm easy to lose or forget about. i don't think i am and i get scared if i start to think about myself that way. i know i need to just think about schoolwork but it's hard when you feel sad.

that feels good.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

i got so excited because i got comments! it made me cry and everything, but in the good way. it's exciting to me that my feelings aren't scary to certain people. i know i am really lucky because i have people in my life that can read this and not get uncomfortable and they like it even!
the truth is, even though i'm lucky that a few people can look, i don't think many people can. i think it's weird to most people that i talk about my feelings. i think most people don't know what to say if you talk about feelings, especially if they are bad feelings. i'm not having those bad feelings now, but i was having a lot of them for the past few weeks and it gets scary. i get scared because number 1, i feel like i shouldn't be so sad, number 2, i don't want to make other people sad or tired of me and number 3, sometimes i feel like i'm always being sad. whenever the sad is back i just don't know what to do or who to talk to and that gets scary. i pray that one day i can just be normal and stop having sad times so often, that would be the BEST.

what's happening?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

i'm scared that i'm getting uglier. maybe i used to be cute and pretty and it's going away. i'm that girl that no one really notices, even when i wear my cute clothes. i see all my friends getting noticed, but not me and i wonder what is going to happen to me. what if i die of lonliness? what if i shrivel up from no one seeing me or ever wanting to give me love? do you think it's possible for me to just fade into the a crowd of people until there is nothing left of me? sometimes lately, that's how i feel. all i can think of is getting in bed so i don't have to try to be noticed anymore. i'm so tired from trying. how come no one else around me has to try and boys just notice them? and talk to them?
i'm tired. i want to just go to sleep.


comments
Dearest PB,
It's my opinion that you're a beautiful little girl both inside and out. Here's something I do when I'm feeling down- maybe it will help you next time you feel scared. Focus on what you like about yourself. Anything from how good you are in the kichen or with your favorite pet to your strong, infectious laugh or your playfulness. These are all positive qualities that make up the unique and beautiful you. Give it a whirl and let me know how it works for you. Law
Posted by Lara on Sunday, February 18, 2007 at 11:19 AM


B
Dear PB,I see you. I see you all the time. I see you even when you're not in front of me. I even hear you when you're not near me! I think you're so cool. I think the way you dress and the way you wear your makeup and do your hair is so chic and awesome and I always wish I could be like that. And you're so good at your work and school. And also you always know what you're feeling and you are able to say those feelings really good. I wish I could do that. I carry around a little bit of jealousness that you are like that and no matter how hard I try, I can't do it like you can.I wanted to tell you these things because you said you feel like you're always trying so hard for boys to notice you. And even though I'm not a boy, I wanted to tell you that I notice you and I think you're cool. Also, I thought maybe if you didn't try so hard all the time, you wouldn't be so tired. Like you could just walk around all the time and keep in a special place inside you the knowledge of how people who love you feel about you, and it might show to the outside and then maybe boys would talk to you. Sometimes (especially in the dark), I try really hard to see something, but when I look right at it, I can't see it. I have to look a little bit to the side to see it. Maybe it's like that with you. You're trying so hard and you want boys to look right at you, but if you tried less, maybe it would be easier to see you. I dunno. Like I said, you're MUCH better at saying how you feel. I hope you read this the way I wrote it and don't take it in any kinda bad way.Love,-bP.S. 2 kudos for being so brave for what you write about, PB!
Posted by B on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 at 9:20 PM

Kim
Dear PB, Great name by the way. Just to let you know when I was your age I had a mole on my lip and kids in my class told me I was really ugly and looked like a monkey. I would come home and cry almost every day afterschool. I understand when you say you just want to go to sleep. Now that I am older I am glad I get to wake up much more than I wanted to wake up back then. And when I look at pictures of me and my mole I don't think I was ugly. When I look at pictures of the kids in my class they looked just like me. Sometimes I think we all really feel the same deep down inside no one feels really cute at times in there life. Everyone feels invisible sometimes too. I played with Barbies and Sunshine family alot too. Love Kimberly
Posted by Kim on Friday, March 23, 2007 at 10:27 PM

mommy

Sunday, February 11, 2007

first of all...how come "family" isn't an option for a category here. that's stupid.
this is a problem for this blog because i wanna talk about my mommy and how good things are right now. a lot of times she doesn't understand me and it makes me so crazy. i get my feelings hurt because she's my mommy and i want her to just get me no matter what. she wants to be my friend and i want her to, but she doesn't understand some things i try to say to her and i get real mad and then sad.
well, lately...i think we've both been trying to be real nice. and not nice in the fake way. i hate the fake way and i've been trying to make her get that too. sometimes you just gotta fight so you can be nice in the real way. it feels better after the fight, too cause then all your feelings are showing and when your feelings are showing to the people that love you then they are real careful with them. sometimes other people are more careful with them then you can be yourself. so, anyway...i noticed that stuff with mommy is real good cause i've been talking about her more in a good way to barb and my friends. like, i can tell them an opinion she had or something funny she said to me and it's not like in a mean way. i was doing it in a mean way before. it feels awful to feel that way about your mommy. especially when your mommy loves you as much as mine loves me and tries so hard. now, i think it's getting equal cause we are both trying real hard. trying in the real way feels good. i am excited to see her in a month and i'm praying that we both keep doing what we are doing so it keeps feeling good in my heart.

comments
I hear ya girl. I just had a huge blow-out fight with my mom on the phone Friday night. She wanted to do her typical "let's not talk about this" and run away from the issues. I forced her to stay on the phone and duke it out. We both were crying but it felt good to be real. We have a long way to go but it is definitely worth the fight. What is it about moms and daughters? Thanks for sharing. I know how much a struggle it has been for you and your mom and I'm glad that things are good right now. I hope it continues to get better.
Posted by N to the O on Sunday, February 11, 2007 at 1:59 PM

today

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

it was a really good day. it was super cold, but i was ready for it today! i dressed in lots of layers and being warm all day put me in a much better mood. there was lots to do at work and i really like being busy while i'm there. that boy i think is so cute was there today too. i was almost late for morning meeting and when i sat down in my chair i saw him looking at me. i guess a lot of people were because i came in kinda late. i only noticed him though. i'm always super friendly to him and he's very nice to me. i wish i knew if he thought i am pretty or wanted to play. sometimes i get all these butterflies fluttering around in my tummy when we talk! but i don't get to talk to him very often. i wish i knew why all of my girlfriends have boys that are interested in them and i don't. my friends seem to be telling me stories all the time about a boy who asked them to play. that doesn't really happen to me and i get sad about it. it was very warm at school today too. that was really good. then i came home and ate mac and cheese but it wasn't as good as i thought it would be.
i'm excited to go to school tomorrow and see my friends. i'm supposed to see lara too and we will play at yoga.it should be a good day.

school

Monday, February 05, 2007

i was in school tonite and i did really good. i spoke up a lot, not because i knew i would be right, but because i wanted to try. the teacher liked the things i was saying and asked if i ate my wheaties this morning. that made me laugh and made me feel good because it means i said good things. i wish i could feel like that all the time.
there was a boy looking at me on the train and after the 3rd or 4th time i wondered if there was something on my face, or if there was something weird about how i looked. i got kind of nervous about it. i was wearing glasses and a hat and had no makeup on and i didn't think he was looking at me because he liked me or anything. i wish. he was a cute boy. but he didn't smile or anything. cute boys don't usually smile at me like they like me and i get tired of waiting for that. sometimes i just wanna say: "hey, what about me?". but i only think that in my mind. i would be too scared to really say it. what if they laugh at me? or ignore me? or look at me like i'm crazy? i really wouldn't know what to do, so i guess i'll just stay quiet. it's not as scary.

lil steph's 1st

Sunday, February 04, 2007

sometimes it's hard to go out. and then once i'm out, it's hard to feel like myself. i see people having fun together and i wish i was like them. it's like i can only have fun with my friend lara. if i want to be around other friends i need to think about it for a long time before i go. it's like i want to look just right and be in just the right mood when we go out. people think i'm funny and fun to be around and i know sometimes i am, but not all the time. if i'm not fun they probably will wonder what's wrong and i won't have an answer. sometimes i just feel quiet or sad or scared. but i don't like these feelings and they have been around more and more lately. sometimes when i am out and start out feeling good i think i want attention. usually i don't get much attention and that puts me in a bad mood. and usually the friend i'm with gets a lot of attention. that hurts my feelings because i figure i'm not as cute so it doesn't matter that i'm funny or smart. i don't wanna beg someone to talk to me, i want them to see me and talk to me. i want to be the prettier one. i never am. that makes me sad. i cry a lot about it lately. i know it matters more what's on the inside and my insides are real good. but you can't wear your insides on your outside, can you? if anyone knows how, can they explain it to me, because i feel confused about that one thing. i'm real smart and can learn it fast, so as soon as you can tell me, i can learn it. thanks for helping.
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