the good news is, i got to play with that new boy again. we had a real good time again. the bad news is, now i feel like i'm going crazy with so much worry. i want to just be regular and smile when i think about what fun we had last nite. BUT i feel the opposite of regular...i want to scream because i feel so crazy with all of the old thoughts that want to come into my head and i keep fighting them out. my body felt weird all day today and i couldn't sleep so good because of all of the things going around and around in my mind. the worries are: what if he doesn't want to see me again? what if i said something wrong? what if he doesn't really like me? what if i annoyed him last nite? what if i never get to see him again and have to tell my friends that another boy didn't like me? how come i don't feel good about myself and know that i was just being me so it all doesn't really matter?
it just feels really bad when i think about these things, but they won't go away! the worst part is i have so much schoolwork to do and my brain is all filled up with these other things that i don't even want in there!
i'm feeling unsafe in my own brain...like i need other people to do my thinking for me because i don't know the right things to think right now. then i get mad because i want to do these things for myself and just be normal for once. i'm also mad because this is what i've asked G-d for, a chance with a boy. now that i am having some kind of chance i'm ruining it with all of my crazy thinking. i guess if he didn't seem so wonderfully sweet and smart and funny already none of this would matter. i guess it's scary to really be liking someone. it's like my heart is in a container and i wanna open that container so bad, but only when it's just the right time. i need to feel really super duper safe to open that container and i'm not safe right now at all...i'm out here all by myself and scared. if i know i'm real smart, why am i being super UNsmart about all of this? this is way harder than anything in school or dance class or anything i've ever done.
No comments:
Post a Comment